Mansi Zaveri is Founder & CEO of kidsstoppress.com, a parenting and child care online platform with a digital reach of 10 million per month. She also hosts India’s first parenting original podcast on Jio Saavn. Her debut book, The Parents I Met, is an anthology of her conversations with parents of successful individuals who made it big against all odds. Excerpt:

*You have to listen to what they want. And you have to take risks — I did. And you must give them a chance to do what they want. Because if you don’t, then you will be the reason why they’ll regret some things in their life.’
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ujjwalgamer/
https://www.instagram.com/techno_gamerz/

Ujjwal Chaurasia is one of the most famous gamers in India. He is Delhi-based and has three YouTube channels and they, combined, have a subscriber count of 480 lakh.

One of his Instagram handles, ‘Techno Gamerz’, has 33.5 million subscribers. He was announced as the Best Gaming Creator at the Streamy Awards in 2020 and in 2021, was featured in Forbes India’s ‘30 Under 30’ list.

His mother, Usha Chaurasia, is a homemaker, and his father, Vijay Chaurasia, is a shopkeeper.

Ujjwal’s inclusion in the book was inspired by the many worried mothers whose children aspire to become gamers like Ujjwal. His name popped into my head when I was researching role models or careers for my book — careers that exist that we, as parents, don’t understand the value of.

Ujjwal was one of two sons born into a middle-class family. He grew up in Delhi with his mother, who ran a small boutique, and his father, who ran a small shop.

From a very young age, Ujjwal loved sports. Growing up, he signed up for classes in every conceivable sport and activity, from cricket to football to yoga. Ujjwal’s mother, Mrs Chaurasia, recalled how before smartphones were commonplace, the family had a small phone, and her son would steal anyone’s phone and start playing games, leaving her out of the loop. “I still remember, it was maybe 2010. He was probably twelve or thirteen years old and we were in the village when he was playing a game and he uploaded it on YouTube.”

She continued, “He would go up to the terrace or hide somewhere and play on the phone. He would finish his studies though, because he knew if that wasn’t done, I would get angry. Ujjwal was obsessed with cars, especially remote-controlled ones. He possibly studied until Grade 11 only because he was quite sure that if he didn’t do well, he wouldn’t get a smartphone. I feel a large part of Ujjwal being an all-rounder was the fact that I spent a lot of time with the kids. I would teach them while running the boutique. Comparing the two kids was not even an option because they were both so good. While my elder son was into graphics and editing, Ujjwal continued to pursue his gaming career.

“As a middle-class family, education was the only way we could improve our lives. I didn’t have the option to study because of family restrictions and the situation at the time, but I knew the importance of education and how it could change our lives. In spite of not being very educated, my kids loved me because I tried and taught them every subject. This reminded me of the times when my mom, who had studied in a Hindi-medium school till Grade 10, would sit with us every single day and make notes and do everything possible. She even learned English while teaching us every day.”

Mrs. Chaurasia then told me about her elder son being highly supportive of Ujjwal’s career choice. “When Ujjwal decided to pursue gaming, my elder son was extremely supportive. He saw his brother uploading his gaming videos and getting several views, and would encourage him.

Ujjwal’s father was busy providing, as is usually the case in most middle-class families, but we were very clear that he still needed to continue his studies on the side. By the time he was sixteen and studying for grade 12, he was getting a good number of views on his videos.” Ujjwal finished grade 11 and requested his parents to give him one year to build a career on YouTube. She added, “Given that I had seen the number of views he was getting, we agreed.”

In the middle of the interview, my mind races and I wonder how I would have reacted ten years ago if my kids told me they wanted to be gamers. I think of how my parents reacted when I told them I wanted to quit my job as head of marketing for an international fashion brand to start a parenting platform — a concept as alien as can be.

Our conversation continued. “Ujjwal was a hardworking child and I think it was probably easier that he wasn’t starting his journey from scratch after Grade 12. He already had the views. I also believe that the younger ones have it easier. I still remember, Ankit, my elder son, told me that there were great prospects in gaming and that I should just let Ujjwal pursue it. Also, people like us don’t have too much to lose. Hum jitna hai, utne mein chala sakte hain (We can make do with whatever we have). For us, success means linear progress and money.”

Our problem as parents is that we prefer to judge our kids instead of trying to add value to what they are doing or understand the landscape they are a part of.

She confessed, “Yes, I absolutely felt all this. He would be sitting in front of the computer the whole day. I would ask myself, ‘What will he do and how will he do it? Is this going to work?’ So, even though I had never watched YouTube before, I started to use it to see his gaming videos and then all his interviews. Then I felt relieved and was like, ‘Ab theek hai (It’s fine now).’ Time went by and that one year became two. He was already successful by then so we didn’t bother. At the end of the day, the kids will always follow their hearts and their passion, and you will not be able to stop them no matter what. I would tell parents to be happy with what their kids are doing and put their ego aside. We always find happiness when our kids listen to us. Start finding joy in what they do and where they find joy. At one point, we tried to get them both to join their dad’s small shop and do business, but they were clear that it was not what they wanted to do. They were not enthusiastic about it. As parents, we wonder why they can’t understand and see a longer-term vision, but you see, they aren’t thinking through their heads so they can see way beyond, with their hearts.”

How wonderful and true. I guess as parents, we worry so much about what our kids will do with their lives that we forget it’s their lives, not ours.

“The one quality that I would attribute Ujjwal’s success to is his determination to be the best at whatever he does. Play, study or do sports — he wants to do it all and be the best at them,” Mrs Chaurasia says with pride.

“Today, when people say they want to be like Ujjwal, I tell them ‘To be Ujjwal, you have to work as hard as Ujjwal.’ Sometimes it takes him whole nights to finish editing. Sometimes he gets angry because he doesn’t sleep or eat on time. But I take it as part of the job. His passion for sports and cricket is still there, but he can’t give it much time. What also worked well for us was my husband’s faith in me and that I wouldn’t allow anything that wasn’t right for the kids, and my children’s ability to trust that their mom wished well for them?” We need to take this into account. Sometimes, we must trust the parent who has the steering wheel of our child’s lives completely.

“Also in our times, children respected their parents; we very rarely raised our hands, but there was this boundary of respect.” She continued, “As parents, you do wonder what is happening with your own kids when you look at other kids, but you realize that each time you meet someone, self-doubt creeps in. But you have to trust kids. I would pacify myself by thinking that sometimes you don’t get good jobs even after being engineers and management students, so why am I getting so disturbed about this.

“Maybe my responses would have been different if Ujjwal was the eldest son. Maybe he wouldn’t have gotten the permission he did so easily. Not because I didn’t trust him, but because our family needed that additional income,” she confesses.

“Also, success is such a game changer. People change when they see you as successful. Both your kids see different heights of success, but to you as a parent, they are your kids, and their success is what the world sees.” Mrs. Chaurasia went on, “As a parent, you treat them both equally and for the qualities they possess. The kids always think the mother has a favourite. Ujjwal always thought I loved his elder brother more. Ujjwal was the outlier and as outliers, they may or may not be the favourites because they are always going against the tide. Each time. And so, they might experience a little more friction than the other child.”

She also stressed how some mothers have complained to her that it’s because of Ujjwal that their kids don’t study, and she has a befitting answer for them: “Children and parents need to understand — Ujiwal started with a borrowed mobile phone, a Nokia S. He started and made what he could with what he had, as opposed to all the others who had so much. When you come from scarcity, your hunger is so much greater than when you come from abundance. Also, the will to make it work. Our kids in middle-class families are also responsible. They have seen the struggles, so they know if it doesn’t work, they will have to change their path. Therefore, they go above and beyond to make it happen. To the parents who say, ‘Apka beta bigad raha hai bacho ko (Your son is spoiling our kids).’ Ujjwal is not spoiling them; you are refusing to accept what your children love doing. If your children want to be gamers, don’t go blindly into it. Ask them and keep tracking their progress.”

She then told me more about how his journey to gaming began. “When Ujjwal started gaming, we had one computer in the house, and we lived in a joint family, so he didn’t have one of his own, and because he was the youngest, he would rarely get his turn or often get it last. I don’t remember Ujjwal ever being mean or saying mean things like ‘I can’t do this because we don’t have a computer.’ He built his career with his brother’s mobile phone. Even when some videos didn’t do well, he never spoke about them, even though I knew everything.”

Mrs. Chaurasia told me, “As parents, we always look back and have regrets or feel like we made mistakes, but I don’t have those regrets or thoughts because we did the best we could. We couldn’t have afforded or done more than what we did. I had to work, run the boutique and do household work, but nothing came before my kids.

“They were my first priority. I would look after them when they came from school, review their homework and make sure it was correct. Simple things build lifelong discipline.

“I remember Ujjwal didn’t have a great handwriting, and I would erase it and make him rewrite it. This instilled the value of perfection in him.

“This is something I will never stop stressing about — teaching values to kids when they are young. We may think that these concepts are too heavy for them but we may be wrong. Kids are so smart, especially nowadays, that if taught well and taught enough, all these values can be so easily nourished within them. Another thing we dismiss in parenting is actions speak louder than words.”

Mrs. Chaurasia proved my point when she said, “Also, my kids have seen us work really hard. So they know what hard work is. I can’t think of one day, one moment or one golden hour where we taught them values and life. It’s something they learned through our hustle. They knew the importance of finishing things because there were rules, and they saw that even though I could barely teach them, I would set their papers and help them with exams.”

I asked her for a piece of advice she had for this generation of parents, and she promptly replied, “If I had to share that one piece of advice with parents of this generation, I would say, you can’t just keep giving orders and wanting them to do as you please. Listen to their thoughts and what they want. And you have to take risks. I did. You must give them a chance to do what they want. Because if you don’t, then you will be the reason why they’ll regret some things in their lives. Now they wanted time, which I gave them, and they became successful. Even if they wouldn’t have been, they are kids after all, so it’s okay.”

She added, “Don’t keep reminding them of their mistakes in the past. At an age where he could have lost track of his goals, I didn’t let him go out much with all the gully boys because I thought he would get spoiled. He would shout and complain, but maybe because he didn’t go out much, he would spend that much more time on his games. Give your children what they ask for sometimes, but not always, so they know the value of it.”

The conversation ended with Mrs. Chaurasia sharing a few of Ujjwal’s favourites, like his favourite food, which is dal makhani and chole bhature; his favourite game, GTA 5; and his best friend Saurabh. I asked her about her favourite travel destinations, and she said, “Honestly, we hadn’t travelled in so many years. He loves his family, especially his nani (maternal grandmother).” She ended by saying, “He has the ability to attract everyone to him. He needs me around. Even when he comes down and can’t see me, he will search for me and come and hug me.”

My obvious concluding question was, “What are your fears as a parent when your child has seen success at such a young age?” She was honest. “It is scary. I pray for him, but I do get scared too. I just reassure myself that everything will be fine. That’s all I can do.”

If you had a huge billboard on parenting, what message would it read? ‘Please listen to your kids.’

Learnings and observations

• You should have trust in your kids no matter what.
• Even if you are a working parent and busy; your first priority should always be your children.
• You should value perfection.
• Don’t keep reminding them of their mistakes of the past.
• If you are firmly grounded, success will last much longer.
• You must give them a chance to do what they want.
• There isn’t a day, a moment, or a golden hour where we teach them the values of life. It’s something they learn through our hustle.
• Parents need to trust each other’s parenting too.

(Published with permission of the author and publisher Penguin Random House India)