Suresh Subrahmanyan 

A housewife was arrested recently in Bangalore for attacking her husband with a pair of scissors. She was deeply upset over his refusal to eat dinner her mother had specially prepared for him. She is being questioned by the police — Press Reports.

‘Madam, do you realise you could have killed your husband? Why did you attack him with a pair of scissors?’ asked the investigating officer politely.

The housewife replied calmly. ‘Because in my fit of rage, I could not find anything more lethal. I regret that I did not kill him.’

The police officer harrumphed impatiently. ‘My question was why did you attack him at all?’

‘He calls me from his workplace to say he will be home late, and could I rustle up something substantial for dinner as he is famished. I requested my mother who lives close by, to prepare his favourite mutton biryani and some side dishes, and now this happens.’

‘What happens?’ asked the puzzled cop.

‘Surely, he must have told you.’

‘At the moment, the nursing home where he is admitted is dealing with several deep cuts and bruises, resulting from his struggles while you went after him with a pair of scissors. He is not in a talkative mood. Why scissors, for God’s sake?’

“I already told you…’

‘Of course. Madam things aren’t looking good for you. Aggravated assault and causing hurt with a dangerous weapon are serious crimes.’

‘You have not heard my side of the story fully, Officer.’

The policeman pressed on. ‘Are you feeling sorry that you find yourself neck deep in the soup or that you couldn’t finish the job with a pair of scissors?’

‘Ah, so you sympathise with my quandary, do you?’

‘Sir Winston Churchill once said, “Give us the tools and we will finish the job.” Obviously, you were not happy with your tools.’

‘You have lost me completely, Officer. Who is this Churchill, and who was he trying to kill? Anyhow, it was a spur-of-the-moment thing. Try going home late tonight, while your wife waits at the door with her mother’s biryani and tell her you have eaten and got sloshed at a bar, Officer. Expect a black eye and hide the scissors.’

The policeman wasn’t amused, ‘Very funny. Since you ask, Churchill was trying to kill the Germans. Tell me, why did you ask your mother to cook?

‘I was out of doors and was forbidden from entering the kitchen.’

‘Out of doors? That. I understand. Sorry.’

“Accused out of doors, three to four days out of action” he scribbled in his diary. ‘Boozed as well? But why do you feel so aggrieved simply because he ate out and had a couple of large pegs at a bar?

‘You have not been listening, Officer. The fact is he wanted to insult my mother. I had specifically told him the same morning that my mother will be preparing dinner that night. She is a great cook. Had it been his mother, he would have been home by eight in the evening to gorge on her tasteless bise bele bath.’

‘Young lady, I am a police officer. It is not within my jurisdiction to judge the relative culinary abilities of your mother and your mother-in-law. If your hubby doesn’t hold your mother’s cooking in high regard and finds an escape route, you can’t go after him with the nearest weapon you can lay your hands on. I still cannot believe you chose a pair of scissors. Thank God you did or else you would have been looking at the noose.’

‘What is that? Noose?’

‘Believe me Madam, as far as you are concerned, no noose is good noose.’ Then he made a gesture with his hand encircling his neck, his eyes bulging out and his tongue hanging out to one side.

‘You are a good mime artist, Sir. They can hang me for this? What are my legal options?’

‘Divorce springs to mind. He is most concerned about your child. The duty nurse at the hospital claims he was extremely worried about a bottle of rat poison in one of the kitchen cupboards which will give you more bad ideas. It could just be delirium.’

‘That rat poison expired long ago. Why can’t we just talk it over and settle the matter out of court?’

‘Yes Madam, that option can be explored. Get a lawyer first. Is there anything you want now? Tea, coffee?’

‘Coffee please, thanks. And Officer, do you know how to play rock / paper / scissors?’

The policeman abruptly concludes the interrogation and flounced out of the room. The case continues.

(Suresh Subrahmanyan is a Bengaluru-based former advertising professional)